Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
