Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
