im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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