I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
