Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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