I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
