I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize