omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
