I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
