i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This baby is an asshole
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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