I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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