im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
