There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
