stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
