wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
