I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
