I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
