you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
lol hangovers are for mortals.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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