God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
