He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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