Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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