If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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