That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I love you. Go after that dick
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
