i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
false alarm, still single
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
