Michael Bay diarrhea
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
