Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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