the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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