I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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