What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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