the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Ketchup is God's man juice
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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