I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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