if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
