A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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