he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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