i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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