At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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