K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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