She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I party with great urgency now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
