Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
