Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
