Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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