I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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