I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
