I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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