I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
