Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
