Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
