New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
