I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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