I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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