My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
