Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
